For a happy person, I can be pretty sad sometimes. For someone who constantly cheers people up, I can fall in a very deep abyss of sorrow. For a person that is aware of so many incredible, beautiful things Life is made of, I can easily close my eyes and see nothing but despair.
It happens sometimes. I am human and I know it is normal. It’s no big deal. It comes and it goes, all I have to do is wait. It just feels somehow worse now.
Why does it feel worse; darker and deeper as time goes by?
You see, I know this are just emotions – nothing but temporary fluctuations within my mind. They have no real presence. They are nothing but mist that dissolves with the lightest of breezes. And yet, they are mine and I alone feel them. To me, at this very moment they are big, heavy and painful. They weigh me down and blur my vision. They turn my walks into a crying sessions that don’t end. Isn’t it amazing, that something that doesn’t really exist, something so fragile, something I will forget the instantly the moment I start feeling better; that it can have such a hold over us?
Emotions might be nothing but air, but I can’t wish them away, I don’t know how to ignore them. So, I choose to embrace them, accept them and dive into their dark ocean. I know no other way.
And the thoughts start, all by themselves. Sometimes without any meaning, sense or direction, but somehow always so right when emotions take over. How can someone so friendly have no friends, really? How can someone who loves people this much be left alone when he needs them the most? I call many people just to ask them how they are, but my phone is silent these days. I make so many people smile, is there really no one to do the same for me?
Is it just me? Is it because I never ask for help? Is it because I smile and make others smile most of the time? Does it appear I need no one, just because I’m mostly fine on my own and always there for others?
This will pass and I will be fine again; tiny bit older and maybe a little bit wiser. I will laugh at a silly cat and smile at the cute bird. I will say goodbye to the sun at sunsets like I always do and I will always greet the Moon with “hello there, gorgeous”. I will sing loudly in my car and talk to other drivers though they can’t hear me. I will move on and find happiness again. I will forget where my grey hair and my wrinkles came from. I will make many more people happy, at least for the moment.
It’s just, right now, this very moment… everything is backwards.