I was standing at the edge of the cliff; my thoughts clear for the very first time. The sun was rising behind me and the trees sprung long, hazy shadows on the surface of the sea far below. I watched my ghostly figure playing with the waves, dancing along their white stripes and jumping off just before they smashed against the rocks. For a little while I toyed with the idea of my shadow being me and then I stepped forward. A small step between the agony of life and the peace of death was all I needed. It felt strange, as my foot touched the smoothness of air instead of the resistance of the ground. I smiled as the air took over my body and guided me downwards. I know the fall couldn’t have lasted for more than just a few seconds, but it seemed like forever. I was falling down in slow motion gazing at the sky. My mind was fully aware of everything; the beating of my heart, the wind that swirled around my body, the iciness of the air in my mouth.

The swooping seagulls riding the wind glanced at me for a second, and then ignored me as if they knew the world would not miss me. No one will miss me.

Where is that water?

I wanted to scream.

Where is the end I have been looking for?

As if it heard my silent screams, the air twisted my body and I could see the water now. So close.

The impact took my breath away. I sank like a stone, wrapped tightly in the cold, careless embrace of the ocean. Bubbles of air danced around my face as if kissing me goodbye. My eyes followed their hasty ride up towards the surface, betraying me and my will. I forced myself to look down at the darkness of the depths of the sea and felt nothing but strange fear. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, I thought as my body sank deeper and deeper into the shadows. I came here to find peace, maybe even forgiveness. I came here to die. Why then do I feel such restlessness? Why then does the death that was supposed to bring me peace appear so dark and cold now that I have finally reached its depths? Somehow, at that moment, death seemed to frighten me more than life ever did. My fear of life dissipated amidst the waves above. Wrong, it’s so wrong. Why did He betray me again?

I hit the bottom and all movement stopped. My sight was blurred, but my mind was completely alert. My lungs screamed for air in painful twitches and I died a hundred times in those hopeless seconds. Suddenly, I felt warmth flowing into my body. I raised my head and glimpsed a ray of light coming down towards me. Its touch of life caressed my face, giving me the strength I never thought I had. My body knew what it had to do, although my mind opposed. My own thoughts echoed through the cold waters, penetrating the waves above until the entire world resonated the melody of one single thought – ┬áLife.

 

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