I missed her the second she walked away. There I was, waiting for my flight at the airport, knowing that she takes off in the next few minutes on another flight; to take her somewhere different. I will see her in a week or so and I know it’s not really that much time, but I can’t help this feeling that she should be here, I should be sitting next to her on that plane right now. I know its even good to spend some time apart, I know it just makes us stronger and drives us closer. I know we all need our time on our own. I know we all need our freedom and I don’t want to take that from her. But I gave her my own freedom; exchanged it for a gift of love. And I miss her.
It was three days ago that I left her behind. Just a quick goodbye, no time for anything else. She drove off and I tried my best not to look at her as she passed by me; the thought of the days to come, the days without her, was simply unbearable. I knew she will be all right, but I also knew she will have some hard time, and I wished just to be able to be next to her. A hug can do a lot.
I’m on my way back now, and she should be there, waiting for me at the airport. The thought of that alone elevates my spirit. I’ll hug her, so she can feel how much I’ve missed her. I’ll kiss her so she knows I’m here now.
I opened my eyes for a split second, trying to ignore the voice of the pilot as he informed the passengers of the outside temperature and the altitude and the position of the plane; all of which I could have read on the small screen before me anyway. We were half-way over the Atlantic ocean, en route from Argentina to Germany.
I had a rough few weeks behind me and I was really looking forward to sleep on the flight back. Half an hour after the take-off, I fell asleep. I remember the pilot’s voice waking me up, but only as a blur, vague memory between two dreams. I remember it mostly because the dream that followed it was something I want to forget as quickly as possible. It started with a feeling – that feeling of being dragged away from everything I love. Feeling of powerlessness as all I could do was to look at her eyes only one last time. Knowing she is alive and well filled my heart with gratitude beyond anything I ever imagined, but as I realized it is the last time I’m seeing her; the last time I’ve kissed her; the last time I inhaled her smell as she squeezed me into a welcoming hug that told me beyond any doubt – I was loved. The thought of everything that will never happen surged from deep within with such unbearable sadness I was sure my heart will just split in two; dragging me down to a place where only regret survives.
But then another thought beamed me upwards. I remembered a smile; a hug and a kiss when I needed it most. I remembered how much I loved her and how happy she made me feel with a single, unexpected “I love you” in an email or an SMS. I remembered the love-notes she used to hide in the house for me to find. I remembered a kiss in the back of my neck as I stared out at the young Moon on a perfect summer evening. And the wave of acceptance washed over me. It will be difficult; she will be sad and I will miss her endlessly, wherever it is that might end up now. But, it’s all right. It’s all right because we both experienced Love. It’s ok, because only thing worse than dying like this would be dying without ever being alive; without ever touching her; without knowing that feeling of complete fulfillment and happiness words cannot express fully, no matter how much you try.
No bullet can erase that.