I go through life with a smile on my face and a mountain of faith. I know everything will be all right and all the things I don’t understand – everything that causes me pain now, will simply disappear in time and with more clarity that it brings. Most days I wonder how I can help and contribute; how to be of use to people around me and those that just pass by through it. Most of the days I look out of the window and see hope, beauty and wonder. I can see the patterns of Creation in a daring flight of a swallow and sense the connection we humans share with the world when a beautiful summer breeze touches my face. I can see the fragile, but never-ending veil of goodness in thousands of little things that people do every day. I recognize their hopes, dreams and aspirations in my own. I laugh with the children and I treasure my friend’s happiness.
But there are days I’m afraid. There are days when all I can do is hide beneath a blanket of darkness; when every last inch of courage deserts me and all I have left are my tears. There are days when I’m jealous and dark and ridden with guilt. There are days I feel nothing but fear and shame.
There are days when I shake with fear, when the world feels hostile and threatening and when all fingers point towards me; when the pressure is just too much to bear. Those are the days I wish someone would care enough to take care of me, to pull me out of the hole I’m hiding in, even though on the outside all I’m saying is that I’m fine and I don’t want any help. But I do. I want a caring heart to lift me up the way I lift someone else at their dark moment.
I know that love is still there, even if I can’t feel it, but I want someone to show it to me at those moments. I know people are kind and loving at their core, but I need to be reminded of that because, when fear takes over, I can’t see anything but how fragile I really am.
Mostly, no one shows up, but the day passes by anyway. A new morning comes with all the force a beautiful sunrise has, and it just blows all my fears away. Birds are singing and world is a place of beauty and wonder again. People are kind and beautiful and all the roads of Life lead to opportunities and new beginnings. I am fearless again and that day of doubt falls into past, swept under the waves of enthusiasm and joy.
Most of the days I’m fearless.