Fresh Spring night offered itself to me, inviting and mysterious as any other, but somehow more open and lovely. Maybe it was the cherry tree blossoming in front of my eyes, or simply that deep, exciting feeling of winter’s end. Maybe it was just me.

I walked, my mind relaxed but racing at the same time, thoughts spinning in a familiar way. I smiled, sensing inspiration creeping in from the back of my mind. Instead, an image appeared from out of nowhere; a thought I was unaware of. Beautiful, heart-warming image of someone else’s smile directed at me, with a look that stripped me of all my defences.

I miss you, I said to the ghost within my mind. I knew she won’t care, but the words slipped through my tongue anyway, unveiling the thoughts I hide from myself for days now. I miss you. The image flickered and disappeared, replaced by the memory of a scent she left behind and my surprise when I discovered it. I took a deep breathe in as if that would bring her smell back. Another cherry tree welcomed me. The ghost moved within me again, took a form of another memory, of her lying on her side, on the bed next to me, her eyes looking for mine, her lips moving with the pulse of her thoughts, her attention on me and my stories.

I wonder what those lips taste like. I wonder if I’ll ever be allowed to… I push those thoughts, knowing they are only creating more heartache. The ghost isn’t mine, it never was. Those lips will never touch mine.

I miss you, I say again. A whisper in the wind, hardly reaching the branches of the trees around me and yet, I’m hoping she will sense them. Maybe ghosts have magical powers. Maybe this one is connected with me by a silver line of lost love and debts never repaid. Maybe it’s a one-way connection only.

I don’t care. The ghost is within me and it comforts me. Heartache can be a wonderful thing, a silent force that makes Life worth living. I will take this ghost over Nothing any time. I will choose heartache over cold solitude whenever I’m given the choice.

 

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