Everything I ever wanted to say; everything I should have shouted straight into the faces of people I love remained closed inside the rooms of steel I built. I wasn’t quiet, not at all. But, all of the words I’ve said; all of the happy sentences; every numb verse went through the censorship of one of my guards. Every thought I had was weighed and measured by my inner fears before its pale echo was allowed and released to others.
Everything I ever said, no matter how true and honest it was, sounded hollow and empty to me, because I knew just how bigger and stronger what I really wanted to say is.
Inside of me, I’ve said: “I love you!” Inside of me, that’s what I’ve really meant. Even more. Outside, all I could hear me saying was empty and weak: “I like you.”
I thought about worshipping and talked about respect. I wanted to run naked through gentle fields of love, honesty and complete sincerity, but all I managed was to walk like a dead man through hopeless plains of not-love and lies.
I loved and I worshipped. But, what is love if you don’t share it with the one you love? What is adoration if you are unable to express it; shout it, or even admit it in front of the others; allowing them to admit it to you as well?
Just how many times have I cried in pain inside of me, and appeared just a little bit sad on the outside? How many times have I been burning in sweet fire of love, and been just a cold, careless stone on the outside?
I’m captured in the dungeons I built myself.
Maybe one day I will meet the person who understands me and whom I will understand. The person who knows that “I like you” actually means “I love you!”. Will I be able, with her help – face to face with the bulldozer of love – to tear down my walls and shout out loud: “I LOVE!!!”
Will I cry the relief and excitement when I finally hear myself saying exactly what was captured in my thoughts just a second earlier?
That day is a day worth waiting for. That day is a day worth living for.
Love like that is worth dying for.
