It was at that point, only then that I realized I might have missed something in my life: that I did not give my best at all. Only as I was inevitably going to die I thought that life might have a higher purpose; one which was hidden from me or, more honestly, the one I refused to see, because I wanted to make my life more comfortable. I did not know what it was, or where it was hidden, among all the things I rejected in my life.
Maybe I should have done some yoga, or some breathing techniques? maybe the answer was waiting in there somewhere. Or perhaps not – I will never know now. But it will haunt me into hell -that thought ? I wish I tried, at least. I wish I was more open-hearted and less bitter. I wish I did not judge those things without even trying them out or knowing more about them. I wish I stood up for others as well and as often as I did for myself. I wish I have helped somebody to become better? I wish I was better.
Only now, as I draw my last breaths do I realize how ignorant I was. I wish I was more aware of every single breath I took while I was still young. I wish I took more of deep, refreshing, long breaths, full of mountain air and life.
Only now, as my heartbeats get weaker with every passing second do I see how closed my heart was. Only now I realize that I have enclosed my heart in steel bars and concrete walls, only because I was afraid of Love. But what can I do with all that love trapped inside now? It will just die with me, with no one to touch. I wish I loved more while I could.
I wish I took more chances.
I wish I made someone feel loved? but I did not. It all seemed so stupid and silly, and such a waste of time. I had my business to take care of. I needed to be the best. I wanted to be the biggest. I wanted people to look at me with respect and admiration.
So stupid – I cannot believe how stupid I was.
I created an empire for myself and the only thing that will follow me into death now is my regret.
I have been warned so many times. I had friends; real friends? the kind of friends that does not stand quiet when they feel you are making a mistake. The loving kind. And what did I do? I pushed them all away, again and again.
?I know what I?m doing? ? I told them every time. ?I have everything under control.?
I wish I lost control more often. I wish I was able to just let go and smile. I wish I hugged those friends; hugged them and never let go. They knew the truth I never wanted to see.
But I wanted more. More power, more control, more money. Oh, I had money. I had so much.
I had nothing. I did nothing.
My money will disappear now; my empire will crumble and bad people, people just like me, will fight for each and every penny I left behind. And world will not be better for it.
My life could have mattered. I could have used that money to make the difference, instead of just piling it up. I feel guilty now for each and every time I wasted my money just to show-off.
I wish I used it for something better. I wish I never ignored the hungry man across the street. I wish I could go back now and talk to him. He knew things about life I have never felt back then. I wish I talked to people more while I could. Really, honestly talked to people, not just empty, useless chats my life was filled with. I wish I was less shallow. I wish I did things different; lived my life differently.
But I did not and now it?s too late.
This thought, this recognition of Right and Wrong is all I have now. Will I remember this in my next life? Is there such a thing as a next life? Do bad people get second chances? I don?t know. All I can do now it to leave these words behind me, hoping they?ll make a difference in someone?s life? knowing they probably will not. All I can do now is to say goodbye and be thankful I was given this chance, though I never used it; to be thankful for all the knowledge and the Trust I was surrounded by, though I never noticed it. Thank you, Life… and goodbye.