For decades now I’m a caring, soft-spoken person; always thinking about others and their feeling, always weighing my words and actions not to hurt anyone. Thousands of words that maybe should have been said were not. Thousands of times I have swallowed my own pain and hurt, trapping them deep within, because I thought letting them out would inevitably hurt someone.
Where did all that hurt go? And all those unspoken words, where are they now?
Am I storing them somewhere deep within, in a giant sea of silence where words-that-could-have-been drown? Are those waters growing or can I only drown a certain amount of words in there before they all start swelling out?
I have found some ways to delete the bits and pieces of my past without even realizing it. It’s in the music I listen to and the joy I feel when the notes perfectly overlap with my inner state of the moment and I feel it purifying me inside out. It’s the endless, beautiful walks in the nature. It’s the silence of the meditation. It’s in the never-ending optimism and bright outlook on life.
It is a little bit of everything, as always in life.
But I can still feel the sea of silence and it’s tides rising from time to time. I know it is still there and still drowning my words and intentions with an incredible dedication and efficiency. I know it is such a futile game to play, the effort not to hurt anyone, ever. It is an impossible quest, really, but the one that always shadows me somehow; always determines my next move.
There will always be people who hate me, dislike me, envy me… I know that. The problem is accepting that as a perfectly normal part of anyone’s life. You can’t walk through life without leaving some traces behind, and at least some of them will inevitably be wrong ones. The only other solution is to stand still, and that is never a right thing to do, nor will Life allow it.
Stepping forward too carefully and too slowly though, is just as bad.
As always, the answer is somewhere in the middle, and it is the most difficult one to fully realize, although it is the most natural one.
So, drown some words in the sea of silence, and let others out, whatever the impact they might have. Accept some hurtful situations and words, and fight against others. Be mindful of other people’s feelings, but care of your own equally well, and that wall of anger will simply dissolve in time…