I just lay there, unable to move; unable to grasp what has been taken away from me. The waves hit the shore with the power of my own anger, but all I could do is watch. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t shake the thought of God now. I couldn’t escape the thought of poetic justice.
How can this be just? How can this be the work of God, if one exists?
I stared at the sea, imagining its touch, trying to remember what it felt like. Even memories betrayed me. I was drowning in the desolation of my own mind, powerless to do anything about it. The sea rose up slightly, touching my feet. I could see it, but I felt nothing but more anger.
I will drown here, I realised. I will drown slowly, and the sea will wash me away.
I tried to move my arms, but nothing happened. I wanted to cry; laugh or scream at least, but my body was not mine anymore and it obeyed some higher power I yet have to meet. I only had my eyes; my sight. I only had these clouds above me and the waves’ kisses that I can’t feel anyway.
How did I get here? Why is this happening to me? Such ridicules thoughts; such silly, irrelevant questions… and yet they come and consume. They burn and they sting; pinch and stab.
The water rose higher and the waves started splashing over my face. I coughed the water and sand in panic; my thoughts racing faster than ever, but my body remained still as if glued; bonded to the sand beneath me by some force unknown; as if the Universe itself wanted me to drown here tonight.
Above me, the sky turned orange, painted by the setting sun. Clouds changed their outfits with no additional effort; perfectly adjusting to the environment around them. Birds flew effortlessly, using the evening breeze to reach new highs. Stones rattled, moving with the waves. I lay motionless.
The water rose higher and I was forced to hold my breath until the waves receded. Most of my body was underwater now.
I will die here tonight.
The waves of panic came and were washed, again and again as water kept rising. We fight so hard for our life when it is about to be taken away. We try so hard to hold on to it, but we don’t really know why. The primordial instinct to survive surfaces and we have no choice but to fight.
But, I can’t fight; not like this. My thoughts raced but my body just lay still. Another wave came tumbling over me as I held my breath; suddenly emerged into a completely different world, full of blurry movements and distant, distorted noises. As the wave receded, I noticed it – the single most beautiful sight of my life. Thin, barely visible line of the young moon appeared above the horizon, painted in the same colours as the setting Sun. Clouds crowned it, protecting its fragile form with their own…
So beautiful… this world is so beautiful.
Isn’t it funny I never noticed all this beauty?